What Real Confidence Looks Like

Confident agent: Courtney Poe (Frank Albert Realty)

Authority in Real Estate | Why Performing Confidence Quietly Costs You Clients

I recently listened to Paul Russell, co-founder of Luxury Academy, and one line made me put my coffee down: real confidence isn’t a performance at all – it’s the absence of one.

If you work in real estate, that should land hard. So much of what we do is projection. The firm handshake at the open house. The big grin in the listing video. The “I am so excited about this property!” energy we crank up the second a client walks in. We’ve been taught that enthusiasm reads as competence.

Paul’s argument flips that on its head. The people we most want to win over – high-net-worth buyers, sellers sitting on generational properties, the clients whose referrals build careers – read all that effort as insecurity. Not charm.

Insecurity.

And here’s why it matters for our marketing as much as our meetings: the same instinct that makes us over-perform in a room is the one quietly shaping how we show up online. So let’s talk about the difference between looking confident and actually being it.

The Story of a Needy Politician

Paul shared a story about coaching a senior politician – someone preparing for rooms full of heads of state.

The man arrived with what Paul called an air of forced warmth. Big grin. Crushing handshake. Way too much eye contact. He was convinced he came across as relatable, charming, and commanding. He insisted everyone loved him.

In reality? He read as needy. Desperate to be liked.

Paul’s point was that in rooms full of real authority, you can’t fake it. People who sit around genuine power can smell when someone’s performing – and when they smell it, they go in for the kill. The politician thought he was radiating confidence. What the room saw was a man trying to prove he belonged there.

I sat with that for a while, because I’ve watched agents do the exact same thing. The over-firm handshake at a luxury listing. The rehearsed laugh. The energy that’s just a notch too high for the room. Or several notches too high. We think we’re signaling “trust me.” We’re actually signaling “please pick me.”

And here’s the real catch: the clients who matter most are the ones most likely to notice.

Confident agent: Ben Bowen (Premier Sotheby’s) – $70 million in closed sales last year.

What the People in the Room Actually See

Here’s the uncomfortable truth Paul kept returning to: high-net-worth individuals view over-performance as insecurity. The people they respect never perform confidence. They simply have it.

You already know the tells, because we all slip into them. The exaggerated enthusiasm – “absolutely fantastic,” “truly excited to be here.” The over-the-top courtesy – “it’s an absolute honor, thank you so much.” In the moment, it feels like warmth. To a discerning client, it feels like effort.

And as Paul put it, anyone who needs to perform confidence has already admitted they don’t hold it.

Picture the listing presentation. Two agents walk into the same kitchen with the same comps. One leans forward, talks fast, stacks superlatives, fills every silence. The other states the number, lets it sit, and answers questions plainly. Same data, completely different read. The second agent looks like someone who’s done this a hundred times. The first looks like someone hoping to.

In a business built on trust, that gap is everything. (And it’s almost never about the comps.)

Confident agent: Nicole Leininger (Christie’s) – $54 million in closed sales last year.

The Science of Trying Too Hard

What I appreciated about Paul’s take is that he didn’t treat this as a personality flaw. It’s wiring.

There’s a name for the behavior: impression management – the attempt to control how we’re perceived. The research Paul pointed to is straightforward. When people fear social rejection, they exaggerate their behavior to lock in approval before it can be denied. In other words, over-performance is a preemptive defense. We’re not being fake on purpose. We’re protecting ourselves.

It goes deeper than habit. Paul described how the brain reads status as a form of safety. When our standing in a room feels uncertain, the threat-detection part of the brain kicks in and pushes us to do something – louder greetings, bigger gestures, an inflated tone.

Now think about where agents feel most uncertain. The high-end client we’ve never worked with. The seller who’s interviewing three of us. The room where we suspect we’re outmatched. That’s exactly when the volume goes up and the performance creeps in – at the precise moment we most need to look composed.

Naming it helps. Once you know the spike of energy is your nervous system asking for reassurance, you can choose not to act on it. That awareness alone is a competitive edge.

Confident agent: Mike Feehley (Christie’s) – $22 million in closed sales last year – AND a full-time firefighter.

“I Don’t Trust People Who Need to Be Liked That Much”

Paul told a second story that really resonates with me.

A wealth manager was meeting a long-term client and the client’s two adult children. He came in full of energy – talking up past deals, gushing about how excited he was for the next phase. It was, in Paul’s words, way too much.

The father stayed polite through the meeting. But on the way out, he said quietly: “You know, he tries too hard. I don’t trust people who need to be liked that much.”

One sentence. Years of relationship, recalibrated in an instant.

I think about how often we’re in that exact configuration – a longtime client and the next generation, sitting across from us as we help sell the family home or guide an estate. Those are emotional, high-stakes rooms. And our instinct is usually to bring more: more reassurance, more enthusiasm, more proof that we care.

Paul’s work suggests the opposite. The family isn’t looking to be dazzled. They’re looking for someone steady enough to hand the hard parts to. Restraint, in those moments, is the warmest thing you can offer.

Confident agent: Megan Sullivan (Douglas Elliman) – $163 million in closed sales last year.

How to Strip the Performance

So how do you actually fix it? Paul doesn’t teach people to act confident. He teaches them to notice when they’re performing fear. His process has three steps, and they translate beautifully to our world.

First, observation. He records clients in conversation and plays it back. They always think they look naturally confident – until they watch the tape. We have an unfair advantage here: most of us are already filming listing videos and reels. Watch yours with fresh eyes. Where’s the strain? Where are you working too hard to be liked?

Second, stripping. Paul takes everything off the table – no smiles, no gestures, no filler words – and has people deliver the same point as flatly and briefly as possible. It feels bare. That’s the point. Once you can make your case with nothing extra, you’ve found what’s actually real underneath the act.

Third, calibration. This is where warmth comes back – but through timing and attention, not volume or grinning. Slower tempo. Shorter answers. Smaller movements. Then you test it under pressure until the performance disappears and what’s left is composure.

Try it before your next presentation. Say the price plainly. Stop talking. Let the quiet do the work you’d normally fill with chatter.

Confident agent: Daniel Malechuk (CEO, Landmark Sotheby’s) – $44 million in closed sales last year – $250 million+ in the office.

When Your Marketing Becomes the Act

“Most of what’s presented as confidence online simply masks insecurity.”

Here’s where this hits closest to home for us, because Paul named the elephant in the room: social media has turned performance into a personality.

So much of what gets presented as confidence online is just insecurity wearing a better outfit. The hyped captions. The manufactured urgency. The ridiculous dress. The relentlessly upbeat agent who’s clearly performing for the algorithm. High-net-worth clients see through it instantly. They don’t need to be impressed. They need to see control.

That’s a marketing philosophy, not just a meeting tip. It’s the difference between content that shouts and content that’s simply assured – the post that explains the market plainly versus the one screaming that now is THE time to buy. One performs authority. The other has it.

The agents building real, durable brands aren’t the loudest in the feed. They’re the ones whose calm makes you trust the quiet recommendation. In a space this crowded, composure is the most underrated marketing asset we’ve got.

Confident agent: Sherri D’Alessandro (Christie’s) – $27 million in closed sales last year.

The Quiet Confidence Advantage

If there’s one idea worth carrying into your next client meeting, it’s this: real confidence isn’t a better performance – it’s the absence of one.

The handshake can soften. The superlatives can go. The pressure to be the most enthusiastic person in the room? You can set it down. What the clients who matter actually want is someone steady, plain-spoken, and unmistakably in control.

Thanks to Paul Russell for the reminder that less really can be more. Try stripping a little performance out of your next presentation – or even your next reel – and see what’s left. I think you’ll like it.

And if posts like this help you show up with a bit more calm and a lot more authority, stick around. There’s plenty more where this came from.

About the author:

Jeff Hamm is a real estate broker with Ivester Jackson | Christie’s International Real Estate, serving Lake Norman & Charlotte, North Carolina and Banner Elk, North Carolina. He specializes in luxury, waterfront, mountain, and investment property, with a focus on buyer representation. He is also the founder and host of The Best of LKN and Banner Elk Living.

Learn more and contact Jeff:
LKNreal.com
BannerElkLiving.com

Jeff Hamm is a North Carolina real estate broker with Ivester Jackson | Christie’s International Real Estate, serving two of the state’s most sought-after markets: Lake Norman and Banner Elk and the greater High Country. He specializes in luxury and second-home property, from Lake Norman’s waterfront, golf, and lakefront communities to High Country communities including The Lodges at Eagles Nest, Elk River Club, Farm at Banner Elk, Diamond Creek, and Echota. He also works with buyers of condominiums, homes in active adult and family-friendly neighborhoods, and short-term rental and investment properties. His focus is buyer representation, where his relationships with each region’s top listing brokers, builders, and designers give his clients a measurable edge.

Jeff is also the founder and host of two local media platforms, The Best of LKN (since 2020) and Banner Elk Living. Each includes a podcast and newsletter that spotlight the area’s most admired small businesses, nonprofits, and entrepreneurs. He publishes the annual Lake Norman Visitors Guide and Banner Elk Guide, produces regular market reports for both regions, and hosts The Best of Lake Norman Business Network and the Banner Elk Business Network.